The Green (12) - Resolvolutions

Stress, stress, go away, come again anoth- no, wait, stress don't come at all. Everyone wishes. And who am I to be granted that wish? Just a humble servant trying to do good for as many people as possible. No, seriously? No, seriously?!?! Well, I try my best... Anyway, this post is the first of twelve that counts down to the last day of my Emerald year. I've chosen "The Green" as the title of the series because it's my favorite color, and it's the color of an emerald, and it symbolizes something that's growing, something fresh or new, and i can be inexperienced and gullible and envious too, but generally because I just want things to be better, not just for myself, and because green also stands for peace, nature, balance, health, wealth, and other positive things that have become ideals and aspirations for most who often spend so much effort to achieve and yet they hardly realize. I think a missing part of the equation is sincerity and well, significantly more selfish and greedy people doesn't help the cause. But it's a new year. And when a new year comes around, a lot of things seem to become possible, doable, achievable. It's a perfect opportunity to jot down a few things you'd like to accomplish. I usually like to plan ahead already so this first month, while lounging around my room got me thinking, imagining, brainstorming about what I'd like to see happen down the road. And so without further ado, here are some of my plans (and some updates too):
1) Get back to 150 lbs. After Christmas, I gained 4 lbs which brought me up to 146. Then after new year's and a couple of gym sessions, dropped 2 lbs. Sheesh. And all the stress isn't helping. I need to eat more and still go to gym and lose the fat and gain definition.
2) Meet and keep at least 35 new friends. Get their number, get their birthdate, and post it on the greeter banner on my website. I already met some this past week so that's good.
3) Finally get a project at work. I've been on "bench" for 5 months and I'm way past crazy-bored. Three projects that I was supposed to handle didn't materialize so it's like holding off on orgasm three times in a row. Bad image? There's a new one I'm proposed to that I still have to get more info on. Yet the manager(s) at my current account seem to can't wait to kick me out. I haven't been that unruly. Have I?
4) Film Amor Power! I have to finish the script first. And to do that, I need a gay-lingo translator. Then I would need maybe three directors to split the tasks with. Oh and I need money to finance the project. Yeah. So it'll be hard. But it'll be so, um, oooh aahh yeah, baby, yeah!
5) Revive the Whether Vain series and post one set to accompany each countdown entry.
Hmm, I think I do look stressed. Well, compared to previous sets. But that was a year and a half ago.
6) Speaking of a year and a half ago, I still want to work on keeping doodiebear+poopsterton strong. There are currently "external" forces that are dampers. And really I can actually feel my heart almost giving in. But it's coping. I'm coping. Trying to. Am I trying too hard? Or am I not setting up enough? See, so green! More on this on other entries... Keep tuned!
7) And speaking of doodiebear+poopsterton, I'm planning on a comic strip akin to Kahulugan ng Buhay plus Jeff Thomas' Pon and Zi. I already have sketches of the the doodiebear and poopsterton characters. They're bears with caps on. Hopefully will launch soon. Thinking of documenting the past via this strip. But could I handle the added strain of reminiscing? :)
8) And I need to fill up the website. And will have to renew the ipower contract this year too.
9) Finally, by the end of this series, there'll be a celebration for what has transpired. And I hope you're a part of it. House party- December 12, 2009!

There. Wish me luck. And I wish you all luck too. Here's to our new year! *excited on what will happen*

33

And so it ends. Another 9-set Whether vain. And looking back at the 32 years of my life, I still feel I'm very blessed. And I'm still out to be able to, in my own little way, share the blessings I have received. "Why throw even one starfish back to the sea? There are hundreds of others on the shore - you can't throw all of them back in. - It matters for that one." Do what good I can, yeah.

Whether vain set 17

An even worse time this set. In one picture I look drunk and on the way to the Conference in Clark, Pampanga, Sunday the 25th, I receive news that my dear spinster grandmother (my dad's aunt) who took care of my dad and my sister and I when we were growing up passed away in Bikol. I didn't attend the wake or the funeral. I was confused. I didn't know what was going on. This was the first time a close family member died and I was here in the Philippines (the first one when my dad's dad died, it was my first working day back in Boston in 2005). And I found myself crying driving to work. And crying dressing up for work. And still I couldn't get myself to go to Bikol. Anyway, my dad and my aunt Gilda went. And Tita Gilda has hearsay stories of how Lola Citan kept a picture of me (she thought it was me but it was another person) under her bed and she was asking for me just before she died. Heavy sigh. Necita Luzentales Corrioso was 87. I love you, Lola, and I will miss you. May God take you in His arms and may you rest in peace.

Whether vain set 16

Yes, I noticed it. In the first nine sets, I think I looked less stressed out. I don't know. Yeah, I can still smile in my situation but inside me, I'm stressed. Who wouldn't be stressed in my situation- my 5-year project ends in August, and up to now I don't feel I really belong anywhere yet? The project I'm supposed to handle keeps pushing back. The latest news is that it's delayed for, get this, at least 6 months. So I've aired my sentiments at the first opportunity. And they're getting me to help another project. And there's this other opportunity I'm interested in more and I don't know if I can get that. That would be like the chance I need to prove I deserve going manager by the next round of deliberations. I think I'd like to concentrate on managerial tasks now. Although there's some fulfillment in analyzing programs and coding, it's like 'been there, done that' for me. Ever since I became senior consultant (Associate Manager) in 2004 but kept on doing development work until my last project folded in August, I felt like I was bursting at the seems with wanting to do management work. But I had to be patient... And now, it seems it's the right time, what with being patient for so long and giving everyone a chance too to be supportive of me. It's time to be assertive and stay only for the work that makes me happy too.

Whether vain set 15

Went on training for a week. And when I got back, stress all over! I had to scramble at anything and everything I could work on just to keep the depression stemming from feeling like I'm in work limbo from taking over me or pulling me down-doo-bie-doo-down-down. So I act like a jolly camper making slide presentations and presenting them, and supervising a bunch of newbie programmers, and smiling when bumping into people along the corridors, and trying not to cry when they ask, "How's work?" And upcoming is less work and still not knowing where all this is taking me (just to learn how to be patient?!?!?!) and more training and more just-helping-with-what-i-can-while-everybody-else-is-passing-me-by-only-i-
know-what-i-can-do-and-everything-is-out-of-anyone's-control-especially-when-
it-comes-to-making-things-better-for-everybody-else-oh-well-i-don't-know-
there's-just-sigh-frown-sigh-again... Hope for the best? Think positive? Done that. Trying to be active, proactive, whatever, and there's just this wall I can't get around, over, under, alone... And it smells like I've been stranded... What if I click this?

Whether vain set 14

Happy set. Went to Tagaytay. It was cold. Road was scary at night- the edge of the cliff seemed so close! The inn was relatively cheap. The restaurants weren't. Good thing there were fast food places. But didn't go there. The view of the volcano was excellent! Ok, at first I wasn't sure which land mass was the volcano... ahwehwehwe Took pictures with an old SLR. Half didn't get developed. Half of those that did were crap. Last week I wanted to learn how to get some use out of the old SLR, had it cleaned even for P1,700; and this week, I'd like to sell it. Pentax MX, anyone? From the 1970's... In good condition... Original lens photographers (even digital ones) are scrambling for... (I could be exaggerating, I don't know, I just heard the lens was pretty good) But not for P1,700... No? Anyone? Dust. (I miss Little Britain! A little)

Whether vain set 13

My heart sank when I heard it- the project that I was to lead was pushed back not two weeks but now, two months and it'll kick off in January. My head spun- what am I going to do now? Two months since I rolled off from my previous project and I'm still training new-comers. I'm doing good, pretty good actually, on it, discovering and correcting flaws and I must say I think the trainees do learn a lot from the program and not just because I'm handling it now. But there a lot of things to improve with this program and with the account I'm in right now. And I haven't even been formally introduced as part of the account, just someone on the outskirts lending a hand because I'm available to help. Helping is not the problem. The direction I'm trying to set for myself has just undergone another setback. And will the remaining time (beginning January up to May or June - that's just six months until the start of the evaluation process) I have to prove my capacity to lead and to manage be enough to prove just that? Will I be open to any other opportunity that would give me the kind of work I've been longing and been ready for? I know I'm ready. But will I be given the chance to get it? And what kind of chance is it? Whirrrl.

Whether vain set 12

Such a tiring week! Going to work early, coming home late, working home, sleeping much later, waking up early again, getting 4 hours of sleep... I'm about to cry... tears of joy. WTF?!?! Beats me- I'm beat and I'm happy about it. I get to do some thinking, some decision-making, and I work hard to complete tasks.

Hmm, interesting, this is the first set wherein all the pictures are taken from my bedroom (well, one is just outside the door of my bedroom)... Means I've been too busy at work to even take a shot of myself there ahwehwehwe

Whether vain set 11

Why smile? There are a lot of things to not smile about. Life is not fair. Life sucks. Shit happens a lot. And yet, life is just too great the chance to spend it all crying and frowning and grumbling. So while I wonder if my previous sentence is grammatically correct, I have this to say: Yeah, problems abound. And if you're reading this via the internet, it's 100% certain that there are people out there in worse situations, having oh so much worse problems than yours. And it's oh so much better to try to find solutions rather than dwelling on the problems, trying to move forward than staying put to dig up remains, trying to swim away from what potentially could be a whirlpool of negative vibes, a sinkhole out to quickly attach despair onto your soul.
Take it easy. Take care. Live your life happily, responsibly. Within reason, smile and laugh as often as you can.

Whether vain set 10

And I'm back. Why? Well, if you look at the dates and know how to count, you'll probably find out... Anyway, I know I look thinner but I'm not any less heavy. Still 150 pounds. I have new shirts that are S's. And even my old pants are not as tight. My hair has grown quite long. Whenever I have the urge to have it cut, someone tells me it looks nice. In the collage, I am seen in six different places, the most number of places I am pictured in in any Whether Vain set so far. Just sharing...

Whether vain set 09

And just as this series ends, a more exciting chapter begins. And there's a clue in this set. No, not a new haircut. It's never been in the other sets. No, it's not my new seat at the 35th floor of my building. It's... if I have been optimistic or positive before, I am absolutely feeling astronomical, heavenly even. It's as if nothing can go wrong and everything has a reason for taking so long. And it's been a long wait but it's all worth it. All good things to those who wait, they say. Well, there aren't enough words to describe how happy and grateful I feel right now. So happy I could cry. Like when I'm watching my favorite TV show Wish Ko Lang and they're featuring a reunion or really big assistance to someone in real dire need... More clues in succeeding posts.

Back to the Whether Vain project: I don't look much different from when I started 81 days and pictures ago. My weight still went from 151 to 149 and back to 151. I've had a couple of haircuts. I've gone through another election where my family got an amusing surprise. I've started drinking soda (light sodas only) again after 2 years. And I'm about to go to a new project at work where I don't know how things will be. I still always smile everyday, try to make other people smile or laugh too. The first and last things I do everyday is still thank God for all His blessings. 81 days. A lot has happened. And a lot has remained the same. Life has been just how I like it to be- simple yet complicated, fun and difficult. But it's all worthwhile. This picture-taking project may have ended (for now) but it has been a reminder for me to be grateful for and try to work with anything that I receive, not because when comparing with other people I could appear to be more blessed, but because I have this great opportunity to experience life and experience other people, to experience all these emotions, and see the world and learn, and try to maybe affect at least one more person in a positive way. I could die tomorrow and no one will have memory of me but that's the least of one's worries because life is like a photograph, it fades and disappears. Was that a genuine smile at least that you flashed in the photo?

Whether vain set 08

One more set to go... this set started with me on an unbelievable high and then I went a little antsy about my job slash work slash career (path)... oh, well.

Whether vain set 07

A lot of things happened during this set. Angst. Fear. Love. God is so good I am continuously blessed. The future is uncertain but in the present there's contentment. And of course, always working for something better. Cheers!

Whether vain set 06

This set saw a very stressful week at work, some dating "down"-time, and just a few hours of sleep everyday.

Whether vain set 05

It's been a very, very stressful few days at work- I've been going home pretty late, and other tasks are not showing signs of letting up. It's partly my fault too because I'm the one choosing to spread myself thinly. I don't know if it will work to my advantage and eventually bring me to do work I really like to focus on. But for now, it (not even barely) pays the bills, and I try to enjoy myself as much as I can. What's starting to show- the stress or the trying to enjoy part?

Whether vain set 04

Whether vain set 03

Whether vain set 02

Whether vain set 01

So I take daily pictures of myself and post them nine at a time and after nine sets or when I get tired of doing this, I look back and see how much I've changed. Did I get fatter? Someone just told me "mag-diet ka na. tumataba ka. baboy na face mo." (go on a diet. you're getting fatter. your face is a pig.) That translation is so funny! Some days I think I look old. Some days especially when it's cold, my joints feel old. So I just smile and the camera-phone flashes.