a musing: derivations of a non-conformist idealist: the blackest night

yesterday, we broke up. one year, six months, and several days from july 2, 2007. i arrive home, lock myself in my room, and bury myself under the comforter. sleep, come. please. but we don't get what we want all the time obviously. i toss and turn. and shiver. and feel numb all over. and my heart feels so heavy and empty at the same time. i pray God will help me get through this. and i wish that the nightmares i used to have would finally be successful now. they leave me alone in my chaos. stunned, afraid of when the flood of emotions would break through, tears flow out to ease the rumbling in my soul. and i try to justify how right this decision we made is, how things have really not been going well, how we've been just going through the motions without the accompanying emotions. how we're trying or struggling to keep up. in the meantime, some external factors are driving a wedge between us. and that maintaining our relationship has become somewhat of a chore. wouldn't it be better if we retained almost everything and not just have any expectations from each other? in other words, we're saying goodbye to our commitment to a romantic relationship but not the friendship. that would be ideal. if only it didn't feel like getting a stake driven through your heart... it was expected. early on, it was a surprise to even have this chance. and i'm grateful. and by the middle, we were struggling with how to keep the passion burning. i never was a scout. embers eventually die out. and you'll notice, you'll feel when there is no more care for you. when it's been sidetracked to something or someone else. and as much as you'd want to fight for it, you know also that if it truly was, is, love, then you'd have to let go... yes, it feels like someone very close to me died. and you imagine looking inside the casket and see yourself there finally rid of the pain, and at peace. blink. it's someone else but you wish it was you all the same. it does feel like my heart, still connected to my chest cavity, after getting pulled out, was laid on the pavement for a dumpster to drive over. ironically, magically, i'm also beside the driver. i am also at fault... it's almost midday and i want to sleep. and i want to be able to accept this faster and not go through the fabled series of steps after a break-up. the night is darkest just before the dawn? let me get a few z's, check if my heart is still beating, and let's see this dawn...