a musing: derivations of a non-conformist idealist

a musing: derivations of a non-conformist idealist

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Onward something soldiers...

And so it's time to move on. A false-positive attack site listing on Google/Firefox/Blogger, recent personal crises, and this my emerald year set the stage for the jump to the Wordpress application installed in my domain server. Previous posts have been imported, a simple yet complex template chosen, and here we go musing, deriving, non-conforming, and idealizing again. I usually stick to whatever I am already accustomed to, to whatever or whoever opened up an opportunity for me, to things and people I have grown to love and care for. But things change and time passes and people leave you and life-affecting events happen. We can't stand our ground all the time. Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and bring our philosophies, principles, and life lessons forward to a point where we can learn further and teach others as well. At times it may be rough, so rough it's almost unbearable. But smile, be hopeful, continue to try and do what good you can for yourself and others; and eventually, you may finally realize that happiness manifests not only in the form of positive milestones or in blissful continuity but in taking the chance to go on life's journey with as much as you are afforded. My unsolicited advice which I have to take as well: Choose to have a skip on your step, choose to trust the good in others (again), choose to smile, choose to seriously, responsibly enjoy life.

Thanks and enjoy the reads... >>> http://log.jaybeecc.com


Saturday, January 24, 2009

waning, fading, pulling to a stop

it's been a little worse this week having to skip work for three days to nurse a fever and when one is alone in bed with sleep not setting in, there's nothing else to do but think and reminisce; and too much thinking or too much alone time is never recommended when nursing a broken heart. on the other hand, thinking about everything that happened, piecing all the puzzling pieces together may be able to offer a glimpse of the whole cut-up picture, albeit a hurtful one. plus you can get to bleed out all the poison in your system quicker. just be careful not to bleed to death. it's most difficult getting used to not getting used to what you've been used to for a while. like withdrawal from an addiction. like losing everything to a fire. like a death in the family. facing it now, sooner, can be hurtful, then helpful. and slowly, one recovers. scars remain. muscles may still sting. but the wound heals. low tide. the beach like a desert. the water has receded, no longer lapping at your toes. it's just course sand beneath your feet for now. do you wait for the tide to come back in? would you risk drowning and go to the waves? memories. like photo albums you go back to again and again and again. still, one day the memories won't be as vivid or as clear. for just that first moment, maybe? and the intensity is inversely proportional to the conscious effort of saving it to cliched posterity. would more snippets and snapshots mean sooner wear? the playground. a toddler on the swing. the childhood friend who does the pushing when not being pushed and swung, gone. your feet not just yet able to reach the dirt as you sit on the edge of the swing seat. amidst options, you close your eyes and let your imagination have a go. a man on a bed, sick. getting better. and better.

poopsterton would use acronyms/initialism in messages for doodiebear to figure out the meaning of (i.e. ilylimtmame). very secreat bear agent. like their relationship. only a clawful of doodiebear's friends know; and maybe two clawfuls of poopsterton's friends.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Food for comfort

Eat and be merry! Christmas. For you'll never know if you'll continue to be happy... New Year. Or you don't have money to eat out and your fridge is stocked with only water, maybe some ice. Ice baybeh. Enough of the corn! Here are places I've eaten at recently and which you may also want to check out. Or not.

First up, Bigby's. Tried this resto back in Cebu. All I could remember was that the fried chicken serving was huge and pretty affordable. So when I saw that a branch opened at Megamall, I had to try it again. Here's their placemat. We ordered some pork.
And beef.
And chicken. Which we returned for additional frying because a bit of blood oozed out of the white meat. Eee-double-u! The meal was ok. Big enough serving and yes still very affordable.
Hop on to Secret Recipe at Shangri-la. Here's their menu.
I had mango shake and some water to drink.
And chicken cordon. The chicken and the meat filling were tough. The rice was, like, cooked and then microwaved to heat again so... For it's price range, not recommended. My opinion.
And then over at Shoppesville, replacing Pilita Corrales' oldies hub, is Flapjacks. Heard about it over the radio. Am a fan of pancakes. Not that huge. But enough to want to try it. So there I was, ordered two plates! (I was hungry that time.) Sidenote: I didn't get why there were stuffed teddies at the counter... Hmm, there's a small standee at the left side I wasn't able to read...
My first plate- ultimate breakfast. (I was there 8PM.)
And I also ordered omelette with sausage and cheese.
And my friend ordered (um) Pineapple ham and egg. With java rice. I think. Anyway, I was so full after that dinner.
And most recently, I was at Shangri-la again and two resto's down from Secret Recipe is Steaktown. It has to be related to House of Minis because they have the same style of serving a complete meal from salad to soup to main to ice cream. Only Steaktown seems to be pricier.
I didn't touch the soup of the day- tomato. I picked up apple cubes from the salad bar.
And I had peppered steak. It was good but not that good. I didn't even finish it.
So, I hope that whetted your appetite a bit. If you eat at these establishments, leave a comment if you liked it there or not. And I'll continue posting my dining experiences too.

My ratings: (Just my opinion and based on my experience and the food that I ate at the establishment)
Bigby's Megamall - 3.5 out of 5. Worth going to. Ok for pig-out or "cowboy" dates.
Sexret Recipe Shangri-la - 2.5 out of 5. Pricey. Not outstanding. Ok for trying-to-impress dates.
Flapjacks Greenhills - 3 out of 5. Pricey. Filling. Ok for buddies hanging out or pigging out.
Steaktown Shangri-la - 2.5 out of 5. Pricey. Not outstanding. Ok for parents.


Monday, January 12, 2009

immeasurable, immaterial

love is a spirit, a god, a supernatural entity, a mystery, a state of mind which most need to define or explain so as to prove its actual existence. it can be through physical expression, emotional investment, conscious commitment, contractual agreement, or even shiny stones and metallic objects. however, as spirits, gods, supernatural entities, mysteries, and states of mind go, they are seldom constant. there is no one definition. could it ever be defined at all? they are impulsive, ever-changing, almost impossible to catch. so strike when given the opportunity to cajole love to accept our offerings and stay a fraction or the remainder of our split-second lives. get drunk with love when you can and hopefully you just don't piss the blessing away.

doodiebear and poopsterton exchanged quite a few gifts and more importantly quite a number of sleep-over sessions where they would watch a dvd of commercials, tv shows like little britain and drawn together, movies like the Saw series, and play computer games like Far Cry, Oblivion and FEAR. doodiebear snores lightly. poopsterton would snore once then wake up. poopsterton wasn't into popcorn or coke light before doodiebear. doodiebear, being more of a cave bear, learned to endure going out to movies with poopsterton. poopsterton intently watched and kept quiet inside the cinema which doodiebear liked.


Sunday, January 11, 2009


here it is. the first strip of doodiebear+poopsterton. poopsterton first appeared last post in the blackest night. and doodiebear appears here for the first time. they're both bears. sadly, this strip now only documents their short but memorable commitment. i don't know how long i can keep this going. will this help poopsterton move on? the happy memories have to come with some hurtful ones. but nevertheless, they're testament to a once-upon-a-time love that unfortunately cannot be sustained and had to be redefined to something else.

early in their relationship, you'd often hear doodiebear mutter 'awrgh' or 'awww' as a reaction to how sweet doodiebear thought poopsterton was being... moving around the forest the night of july 1, 2007, a Sunday, they sealed their pact, retiring to poopsterton's cave early July 2, snuggling officially as bearfriends...


the blackest night

yesterday, we broke up. one year, six months, and several days from july 2, 2007. i arrive home, lock myself in my room, and bury myself under the comforter. sleep, come. please. but we don't get what we want all the time obviously. i toss and turn. and shiver. and feel numb all over. and my heart feels so heavy and empty at the same time. i pray God will help me get through this. and i wish that the nightmares i used to have would finally be successful now. they leave me alone in my chaos. stunned, afraid of when the flood of emotions would break through, tears flow out to ease the rumbling in my soul. and i try to justify how right this decision we made is, how things have really not been going well, how we've been just going through the motions without the accompanying emotions. how we're trying or struggling to keep up. in the meantime, some external factors are driving a wedge between us. and that maintaining our relationship has become somewhat of a chore. wouldn't it be better if we retained almost everything and not just have any expectations from each other? in other words, we're saying goodbye to our commitment to a romantic relationship but not the friendship. that would be ideal. if only it didn't feel like getting a stake driven through your heart... it was expected. early on, it was a surprise to even have this chance. and i'm grateful. and by the middle, we were struggling with how to keep the passion burning. i never was a scout. embers eventually die out. and you'll notice, you'll feel when there is no more care for you. when it's been sidetracked to something or someone else. and as much as you'd want to fight for it, you know also that if it truly was, is, love, then you'd have to let go... yes, it feels like someone very close to me died. and you imagine looking inside the casket and see yourself there finally rid of the pain, and at peace. blink. it's someone else but you wish it was you all the same. it does feel like my heart, still connected to my chest cavity, after getting pulled out, was laid on the pavement for a dumpster to drive over. ironically, magically, i'm also beside the driver. i am also at fault... it's almost midday and i want to sleep. and i want to be able to accept this faster and not go through the fabled series of steps after a break-up. the night is darkest just before the dawn? let me get a few z's, check if my heart is still beating, and let's see this dawn...
7/2/2007 - 1/10/2009

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Friday, January 09, 2009

The Green (12) - Resolvolutions

Stress, stress, go away, come again anoth- no, wait, stress don't come at all. Everyone wishes. And who am I to be granted that wish? Just a humble servant trying to do good for as many people as possible. No, seriously? No, seriously?!?! Well, I try my best... Anyway, this post is the first of twelve that counts down to the last day of my Emerald year. I've chosen "The Green" as the title of the series because it's my favorite color, and it's the color of an emerald, and it symbolizes something that's growing, something fresh or new, and i can be inexperienced and gullible and envious too, but generally because I just want things to be better, not just for myself, and because green also stands for peace, nature, balance, health, wealth, and other positive things that have become ideals and aspirations for most who often spend so much effort to achieve and yet they hardly realize. I think a missing part of the equation is sincerity and well, significantly more selfish and greedy people doesn't help the cause. But it's a new year. And when a new year comes around, a lot of things seem to become possible, doable, achievable. It's a perfect opportunity to jot down a few things you'd like to accomplish. I usually like to plan ahead already so this first month, while lounging around my room got me thinking, imagining, brainstorming about what I'd like to see happen down the road. And so without further ado, here are some of my plans (and some updates too):
1) Get back to 150 lbs. After Christmas, I gained 4 lbs which brought me up to 146. Then after new year's and a couple of gym sessions, dropped 2 lbs. Sheesh. And all the stress isn't helping. I need to eat more and still go to gym and lose the fat and gain definition.
2) Meet and keep at least 35 new friends. Get their number, get their birthdate, and post it on the greeter banner on my website. I already met some this past week so that's good.
3) Finally get a project at work. I've been on "bench" for 5 months and I'm way past crazy-bored. Three projects that I was supposed to handle didn't materialize so it's like holding off on orgasm three times in a row. Bad image? There's a new one I'm proposed to that I still have to get more info on. Yet the manager(s) at my current account seem to can't wait to kick me out. I haven't been that unruly. Have I?
4) Film Amor Power! I have to finish the script first. And to do that, I need a gay-lingo translator. Then I would need maybe three directors to split the tasks with. Oh and I need money to finance the project. Yeah. So it'll be hard. But it'll be so, um, oooh aahh yeah, baby, yeah!
5) Revive the Whether Vain series and post one set to accompany each countdown entry.
Hmm, I think I do look stressed. Well, compared to previous sets. But that was a year and a half ago.
6) Speaking of a year and a half ago, I still want to work on keeping doodiebear+poopsterton strong. There are currently "external" forces that are dampers. And really I can actually feel my heart almost giving in. But it's coping. I'm coping. Trying to. Am I trying too hard? Or am I not setting up enough? See, so green! More on this on other entries... Keep tuned!
7) And speaking of doodiebear+poopsterton, I'm planning on a comic strip akin to Kahulugan ng Buhay plus Jeff Thomas' Pon and Zi. I already have sketches of the the doodiebear and poopsterton characters. They're bears with caps on. Hopefully will launch soon. Thinking of documenting the past via this strip. But could I handle the added strain of reminiscing? :)
8) And I need to fill up the website. And will have to renew the ipower contract this year too.
9) Finally, by the end of this series, there'll be a celebration for what has transpired. And I hope you're a part of it. House party- December 12, 2009!

There. Wish me luck. And I wish you all luck too. Here's to our new year! *excited on what will happen*

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Saturday, January 03, 2009

Show me the guppies!

Ok, so here's the tank which has been placed right outside the main door to our house. It's separated into two tanks, one for males and one for females (and the winning *prettiest* male). I still have yet to choose which male to put in there, I have a few candidates and am auditioning all of them for healthiest movement, color, and tail type.Here's the side for the females. It has a water sprite plant for the ones who are already pregnant and would be giving birth. This plant will give some of the fry a chance not to get eaten by the adults before I harvest and place them in a separate, smaller fry tank.
Here's the side for the males. It has two plants, a driftwood and some corals. Most of the time, the males stay near the surface feeding or playing with the bubbles from the pump.
Like so.
The following are solo pictures. This one's a female. She doesn't have a gonopodium (penis) on her belly side.
Unlike these next four gentlefish... This one's a lyretail, I think. His tail is divided into two. Pretty heavy it looks like- he often swims not as straight as the other males.
Like this red-tailed one.
Or this pink male.
Or this one with snake-scales-like-patterns on his body.
We currently have fifteen fry in the small tank. Hopefully they grow up nice looking males and get some new virgin females too. Hopefully they live past their first month- it's like Project Runway with these fishes... One day you're in the tank alive, the next day, you're out dead. :)