Soliloquy for the lovelorn

Nov. 29, 2001

With each passing day, I am morE convinced I love you for the more I tRy to supress what I'm feeling, the more I am enamored. I am enliveNed by the thought that maybe even in the smallest degree, you considered me; I am envigored by the possibility that we are meant for each other; I am enchanted by the Way you look at me, the way you smile that unknowing smile. I wonder if you have a clue as to what I feel for you. I love you, I am certain... It's strange that not until after a month and a few encounters did it hit me; like a brick, it did. And in the beginning, I was trying so hard not to fall, not to become weak, not to think about you too much. But I failed and all I could think of was you. At home, at work, everywhere, it's your face I see. I may close my eyes at night to sleep but you invade my dreams and I Just lie awake waiting for a beep announcing an incoming message from you. And I think of reasons so I could send you a message myself. It's easy to lose consciousness of everything else but you. You're under my skin and it tingles with anticipation. When will I see or speak to you again? And it's not like I fall in love a lot because I don't and you're the first person I felt this way about. I really feel that you would be good for me and that you deserve how I can be good to you. All I can really offer is my sincerest love and loyalty and I swear I will make it last. But then fear sets in. And I feel infinitely empty. And it feels like I haven't eaten for a week; and I realize I really haven't eaten much at all-- a piece of bread in the morning, a bite of cheese for lunch, three pieces of siomai at midnight. I overcome hunger by thinking of you. If I have you, I would have everything I need to survive. I would share my life with you. Everything I am would be for you. That is, if I would be fortunate enough to deserve this chance to love this lifetime. I'm not very lucky at that which is why I am stumped at how to go about telling you-- that despite barely knowing you, I've grown to love you; and despite discovering that you may be just like the others ephemeral-distractions-wise, the feeling is welling-up inside me; and you may not exactly fit how I had envisioned my preferences, but you override them all. And that's how I know I truly am in love. I am ready to do what I have to do. My love will not expect but rather will endure. My love may be forced to let you go, but will never leave you. My love is yours, no matter what the cost to me is. I am thankful just to have learned this feeling with you. Sincerely,